Hello and welcome
We are so pleased that you have found your way to this website. This website is a resource for people who know a woman who is currently experiencing domestic abuse, or who has experienced domestic abuse in the past. The woman you are worried about may be your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague. You may have a very close relationship with the person, or it may be someone you know very little, but you want to help.
Thank you for your concern, and for wanting to know more about how you can help – your support is really important to the person you are worried about. This resource is for YOU.
In the pages of this website, we explain what domestic abuse is, what you can do to help the person you know, and how you can look after yourself. Every situation of domestic abuse is different, so some of the examples we give will be different from your own situation. BUT, we hope that hearing about the experiences of others, will help you to feel more equipped, and less alone.
There are lots of things that you can say and do to support the person you know, and there are also lots of specialist services and organisations, in the UK, that can help people experiencing domestic abuse AND the people trying to support them.
You are welcome to share this website with the person you are worried about, but the resource has been created and developed with worried friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues in mind.
- If you think something is wrong, trust your gut reaction
- Notice and be aware of what is happening
- Learn about domestic abuse and about the specialist support available
- Ask gently about the situation
- Use the same words to describe the abuse as the person you are supporting
- Listen well and respond with kindness
- Try not to judge, blame, or give opinions about the situation
- Stay in touch with the person, even in little ways
- Try to be patient, and remind the person often that you are there for them
- When the person is ready, signpost them to specialist services and organisations
- Keep a record of what is happening, in case it is helpful later
- Be aware that domestic abuse is dangerous and think about safety
- Offer practical help if you can
- Look after yourself – if you look after yourself, you will be in a better position to help someone who is experiencing domestic abuse
It is important to support someone who is experiencing domestic abuse
Living free from violence, abuse, and fear is a basic human right – we all have the right to live without being abused, scared, threatened, intimidated, controlled or coerced. In most situations, it is not OK for one adult to limit the freedom, choices, and decisions of another adult. Sometimes people need support to help them realise that the behaviour of their partner, their ex-partner, or an adult family member is not OK.
Unfortunately, lots of people feel that what happens in other people’s relationships is private, and that they would be interfering (getting involved when no one wants them to) if they tried to help. But, the abuse, control or coercion of partners and family members is illegal – these behaviours are crimes.
You may not know exactly what is happening in the relationship, but you may still be concerned about it. It is important not to ignore these worries. If you ignore behaviours that seem odd or worrying, you may unintentionally (without meaning to) make the situation harder for the person who is experiencing abuse.
If you ignore what is happening, your friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague may think that people are not interested in their experiences, that no one is willing to help them, or that the abuse they experience is a normal part of relationships. This can make it difficult for a woman to recognise her experiences as abuse, and to decide to get help.
Domestic abuse is everyone’s business, and it is important that we all try to help
Most survivors of domestic abuse reach out, at some point, for informal support (support from their friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues). Survivors tell us that often this support makes a lot of difference in their situation, particularly if the person listens, is kind, and offers practical help. When survivors receive good informal support, they are safer, more likely to leave or end the relationship, and they recover better (the long term impacts of abuse are less). And, we know that lots of friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues want to help, but often have no idea where to start – this is the reason why we created this website.
The support a survivor wants and needs will be different for each person. The type and level of support needed will depend on the relationship (partner, ex-partner, or family member) that the survivor has with the abuser, the relationship that the survivor has with you, the stage of the abusive relationship, the types of abuse experienced, and whether the survivor also has specialist help from professionals. The help that you provide will also depend on how much you know about what is happening. In this website, we try to answer the questions that friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues ask us, including:
- I’ve noticed something, should I be worried?
- A person I know is experiencing domestic abuse, what should I say and do?
- The person has disclosed abuse (told me what is happening), what do I do?
- The person is hiding the abuse – why is that? what can I do?
- How can I keep helping over time?
- The person has decided to leave the relationship, how can I help?
- The person has decided to stay in the relationship, how can I help?
We also know that supporting a friend, family member, neighbour, or colleague who is experiencing domestic abuse, is hard…sometimes, really hard. And, because the survivor is someone you care about, this can be difficult to cope with. Friends, family members, neighbours, and colleagues tell us that supporting a survivor can be a very lonely experience, and that domestic abuse impacts everyone connected with the situation, including people who are trying to help. So, it is really important to think about the impact of the situation on you, and to make sure that you look after yourself.
Words and terms used in this website
The words and terms that we use are important, so we want to explain the use of 3 particular words and terms, and what we mean by them. We explain why the website is specifically for people supporting women who have experienced domestic abuse elsewhere.
Domestic Abuse
‘Domestic abuse’ and ‘domestic violence’ are terms often used to describe abuse from one partner towards another, or from one adult family member towards another. We prefer the term ‘domestic abuse‘ to ‘domestic violence‘, because it makes it clear that we mean all types of abuse. We use the term ‘domestic abuse‘ in line with the UK Government definition.
Survivor
We use the word ‘survivor‘ in this website to describe someone who is currently experiencing domestic abuse, or who has experienced domestic abuse in the past. We use the term ‘survivor‘, because it acknowledges that the person has managed to live through a difficult and dangerous situation, and continues to function, cope, and (hopefully) heal. We recognise that not everyone survives domestic abuse. We also completely respect and understand that not every woman who experiences domestic abuse will identify with the term ‘survivor‘. There is no ideal word or term, and we acknowledge, respect, and value that people self-define differently from one another, and at different time points.
Abuser
We use the word ‘abuser‘ in this website to describe someone who uses abusive and harmful behaviours towards another person. We recognise that some people who use abusive behaviour also experience abusive behaviour (or have in the past).
More information about how you can help
